Waiting For
A small part of me feels like I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop; the one bad thing that's going to send this perfect moment in my life straight to hell and leave me wishing I could get things right for once. But there is no shoe dangling over my head waiting for the right moment to fall. For the first time in my life, something good is happening and I don't fear that it's going to be ripped out from under me when I least expect it.
It's too early for me to say I see a future here, but the possibility that there could be one doesn't scare the living daylights out of me like it usually does. We could find out we aren't as compatible as we thought or my SCI could be too much for him or he won't want to move to Nashville with me or any number of things that could force us apart, but that doesn't scare me either.
I am anxiety-free when it comes to the thought of him, and I'm not obsessing over why that is. I'm accepting and embracing that feeling. And ya know what? It feels damn good. He makes me feel damn good. He tells me I'm beautiful and that my eyes are sparkly. He inspires me to write. I feel safe and comfortable and I can be myself around him. I don't have to pretend or put on a front when we're together. I can be completely honest and know that he won't judge or take off when I share my deepest feelings. He says I make him happy and that he wants to get close to me. He wants to savor every touch because he knows how precious it will be.
He's not the first person to tell me this. But unlike them, I actually believe him when he says it. Yes, I blush and try to deny it, but deep down I know he's right. Because I am beautiful. Because my eyes do light up when I'm happy. Because I'm me.
Is this scary? Hell yes. But in a "I'm gonna do it anyway, because it's totally worth it" kinda way. There is still so much we don't know about each other. And he hasn't even remotely begun to see what life is like for someone in a wheelchair. I don't know where we'll be next week or next month or next year, but I do know that I'm excited to explore and see where this crazy life takes us. And who knows, maybe I just hit the jackpot and found the love of my life.
It's too early for me to say I see a future here, but the possibility that there could be one doesn't scare the living daylights out of me like it usually does. We could find out we aren't as compatible as we thought or my SCI could be too much for him or he won't want to move to Nashville with me or any number of things that could force us apart, but that doesn't scare me either.
I am anxiety-free when it comes to the thought of him, and I'm not obsessing over why that is. I'm accepting and embracing that feeling. And ya know what? It feels damn good. He makes me feel damn good. He tells me I'm beautiful and that my eyes are sparkly. He inspires me to write. I feel safe and comfortable and I can be myself around him. I don't have to pretend or put on a front when we're together. I can be completely honest and know that he won't judge or take off when I share my deepest feelings. He says I make him happy and that he wants to get close to me. He wants to savor every touch because he knows how precious it will be.
He's not the first person to tell me this. But unlike them, I actually believe him when he says it. Yes, I blush and try to deny it, but deep down I know he's right. Because I am beautiful. Because my eyes do light up when I'm happy. Because I'm me.
Is this scary? Hell yes. But in a "I'm gonna do it anyway, because it's totally worth it" kinda way. There is still so much we don't know about each other. And he hasn't even remotely begun to see what life is like for someone in a wheelchair. I don't know where we'll be next week or next month or next year, but I do know that I'm excited to explore and see where this crazy life takes us. And who knows, maybe I just hit the jackpot and found the love of my life.
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