Cloud 9, Part Two
A comforting touch. A loving embrace. A kiss. A flash of skin. The visions on repeat during the early morning hours, providing no rest. The same five songs on repeat because I might as well get some pleasure from the thoughts that won't get out of my head. But it's no use; the only thing I want to do is pick up my phone and talk to him.
2 years, 6 months, and 1 day (and 22 hrs 53 minutes, if you really want to get technical). That was the last time we talked. Sure, we've been Facebook friends and follow each other on Instagram, and I'd commented on a production photo about a year ago in addition to taking note of a new girlfriend a few months back, but that was the extent of our relationship as of late. So it came as a surprise, when absentmindedly swiping through Bumble to find a distraction from my latest romantic failure, I got a Facebook message from Andy*. Intrigued by the sudden resume of contact, I responded.
It didn't take long for that old familiarity and comfort to set in. It may have been two years since we talked, but it sure didn't feel like it. I told him that I might be two years older and slightly more self-confident, but I was still just as shy and awkward as I was then. He still found my shyness cute, and all those feelings I had for him came flooding back.
We met on Tinder; the last thing I ever expected was to meet a guy like him over the internet. He was my everything that June. Unfortunately, he was still hung up on an ex, making it difficult for him to offer me anything. And there was the matter of long distance. He lived in Jersey, and I was in Staten Island for school. The timing was off, so we just fell out of touch. Every so often, I'd see a status on Facebook and want to reach out, but felt too awkward to do so.
I never really thought of him as the one who got away, but hearing from him again, now, with all of these same feelings resurfacing, it's pretty obvious I wish I'd never let him go that summer. I know I need to be cautious. Unlike that June, I have no idea how he feels about me now. According to Facebook, he's single again. And his messages had been somewhat flirtatious. So there is the possibility of something coming from this. But I need to tread carefully; because if I don't, I could end up breaking my own heart. I've done that enough in the last ten years; I don't need to do it again.
But being cautious isn't easy. I like how he makes me feel when we talk. And he knows about my SCI, so that barrier doesn't exist, leaving me comfortable to talk about anything. He's smart and sweet; a rare gem in today's society of insecure, toxically masculine men. He knows how to care for and love someone, even if that someone has a complicated relationship with love. I saw it two years ago, and again in the gentleness he offered me last night when I'd briefly brought up the subject. And after, a wave of pure, blissful contentment washed over me. It was like the moment immediately following great sex where you're holding each other close and basking in the comfortable intimacy of one another. Only this was about ten times better because it occurred from a conversation involving complete vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable. It's awkward, uncomfortable, and scary as hell. But with Andy, it's different. There is a safety and security in him that I don't feel with anyone else.
Falling for him is easy. Every sentence I write, every thought, every vision gets me a little closer to doing just that. But it also gets me that much closer to falling flat on my face and breaking into a million little pieces. And that is something I cannot afford to let happen. But it won't be easy because I want to fall, fast and hard. And I want him to catch me when I do.
I'm contemplating asking him if he was flirting last night and just being completely honest about how I'm feeling. Usually, that would be the last thing I do, but in this case, honesty feels like the best way to go. After all, how bad could it really be? At worst, I find out he's not interested in me that way. I brush myself off and we go back to being friends. And at best, well, I could be looking at a serious, romantic relationship in the near future. I guess it's just a matter of figuring out how to approach the subject. Until then, my head continues to be a resident of Cloud 9. I wanted a distraction, and boy, did I sure get one.
*Name changed to protect privacy
2 years, 6 months, and 1 day (and 22 hrs 53 minutes, if you really want to get technical). That was the last time we talked. Sure, we've been Facebook friends and follow each other on Instagram, and I'd commented on a production photo about a year ago in addition to taking note of a new girlfriend a few months back, but that was the extent of our relationship as of late. So it came as a surprise, when absentmindedly swiping through Bumble to find a distraction from my latest romantic failure, I got a Facebook message from Andy*. Intrigued by the sudden resume of contact, I responded.
It didn't take long for that old familiarity and comfort to set in. It may have been two years since we talked, but it sure didn't feel like it. I told him that I might be two years older and slightly more self-confident, but I was still just as shy and awkward as I was then. He still found my shyness cute, and all those feelings I had for him came flooding back.
We met on Tinder; the last thing I ever expected was to meet a guy like him over the internet. He was my everything that June. Unfortunately, he was still hung up on an ex, making it difficult for him to offer me anything. And there was the matter of long distance. He lived in Jersey, and I was in Staten Island for school. The timing was off, so we just fell out of touch. Every so often, I'd see a status on Facebook and want to reach out, but felt too awkward to do so.
I never really thought of him as the one who got away, but hearing from him again, now, with all of these same feelings resurfacing, it's pretty obvious I wish I'd never let him go that summer. I know I need to be cautious. Unlike that June, I have no idea how he feels about me now. According to Facebook, he's single again. And his messages had been somewhat flirtatious. So there is the possibility of something coming from this. But I need to tread carefully; because if I don't, I could end up breaking my own heart. I've done that enough in the last ten years; I don't need to do it again.
But being cautious isn't easy. I like how he makes me feel when we talk. And he knows about my SCI, so that barrier doesn't exist, leaving me comfortable to talk about anything. He's smart and sweet; a rare gem in today's society of insecure, toxically masculine men. He knows how to care for and love someone, even if that someone has a complicated relationship with love. I saw it two years ago, and again in the gentleness he offered me last night when I'd briefly brought up the subject. And after, a wave of pure, blissful contentment washed over me. It was like the moment immediately following great sex where you're holding each other close and basking in the comfortable intimacy of one another. Only this was about ten times better because it occurred from a conversation involving complete vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable. It's awkward, uncomfortable, and scary as hell. But with Andy, it's different. There is a safety and security in him that I don't feel with anyone else.
Falling for him is easy. Every sentence I write, every thought, every vision gets me a little closer to doing just that. But it also gets me that much closer to falling flat on my face and breaking into a million little pieces. And that is something I cannot afford to let happen. But it won't be easy because I want to fall, fast and hard. And I want him to catch me when I do.
I'm contemplating asking him if he was flirting last night and just being completely honest about how I'm feeling. Usually, that would be the last thing I do, but in this case, honesty feels like the best way to go. After all, how bad could it really be? At worst, I find out he's not interested in me that way. I brush myself off and we go back to being friends. And at best, well, I could be looking at a serious, romantic relationship in the near future. I guess it's just a matter of figuring out how to approach the subject. Until then, my head continues to be a resident of Cloud 9. I wanted a distraction, and boy, did I sure get one.
*Name changed to protect privacy
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