Dating with an SCI: Hookup Culture At Its Worst
I have no idea what I'm writing. I'm just kind of going by emotional autopilot. And given the amount of Tennessee Honey in my iced tea, it's likely this post will end up being more like a drunk text to an ex. That is if I had an ex to drunk text. Which I guess technically you could say I do have a few, but given that none of those "relationships" never went past a few weeks of texting nor an actual date, I wouldn't consider any of those guys to be an ex. And the one guy who could technically be considered an ex because we did date for a month, if you call hooking up and sleeping with a guy you have no real interest in simply because he thought you were pretty until he no longer was getting what he wanted, dating. So really, I don't have an ex. Which means technically I can't send a drunk text to one. And since the one person I want to see this post the most probably never will, it won't matter if I'm sober or not. And since I am no Hemingway, the whiskey in my glass will not be a friend of mine within the hour, but that's okay.
So I'm almost 23 years old and I've never been with a guy long enough to have an ex. As a hopeless romantic who has wanted nothing more than to be engaged to be married at this point in her life since before she can even remember, you can imagine how awful that makes me feel. Despite the guy who I gave my virginity to being a complete ass, I'm also grateful I'm not a virgin. Partly because I find it to be a little pathetic that I, being almost 23 and not someone saving herself for marriage, would find being a virgin at this point in time being pretty pathetic. But the main reason I'm grateful to not be a virgin, is that I now know what I want and I know how to get it. I always thought I'd be smart when having sex for the first time and that I'd know what to do and say. After all, I'd been doing research on the subject for years. But boy was I wrong. I totally had no clue what the hell I was doing, and I sure as hell had no idea how to communicate with him about it. I ended up having unprotected sex with a guy I had very little interest in simply because I just couldn't communicate with the first person to show any romantic and physical interest in me. And when you add a spinal cord injury (SCI) into the mix, there's a bit more complicatedness to get past. And when you have no idea how to get past that complicatedness and you're having sex with a guy who doesn't really care (all he wants is to get laid and you just so happen to have big boobs and by some miracle are a decent kisser), you just kinda go with it and hope that things work out. Thank God my idiocy didn't lead to any trouble, but still taught me a lesson in communication. And as I'd said, gave me the opportunity to figure out just what I wanted and needed when a relationship heads to the bedroom. So, yes, I might joke that the only good thing that came of that "relationship" was the guy's super comfy UFC (and now my favorite) tee, but truly he showed me a part of myself I needed to see.
So, I might be 23 years old and still a relationship virgin, I know that just because talking about sex makes me uncomfortable at times, it is a necessity. I also know that I will never be able to experience an orgasm like most women, but it doesn't mean I can't still enjoy myself and the man I am with. I just have to communicate my needs and desires and he needs to do the same. I know that any man who is not willing to take the time to find out what will satisfy my sexual appetite (which is no different than a women without an SCI) is not someone who I should be giving myself over to in the first place. I know that I am not as breakable as some may assume, and that if a guy wants to be on top of me or wants to hold me tighter, he can without fear of hurting me. And in some instances I might even welcome the firmer touch. I may look sweet and innocent, but I'm no prude. And given that I've been single for way longer than I care to be, have never been on a date or had a real relationship AND I'm writing romance novel loosely based on real events and emotions I've experienced, I'm sure you can imagine the height my libido can reach some days.
But just because I like sex, doesn't mean I'm going to be having it with a random guy I met at bar. Not taking into account my SCI, I'm just not interested in the casual sex and hookup craze that dominates my generation. I may be a millennial, but my beliefs and ideas fit more in line with those of the 50's, especially when it comes to relationships. I'd gladly give up a promising career to raise a family while my husband goes off to work. I want to be a mom someday, and I want to love a man and be loved by a man. I want to be cherished. I am not afraid to admit this, and I will not settle for anything less. And I am not into hookup culture. I am not saving myself for marriage. I enjoy the sensual touch of another human being. I enjoy the vulnerability that comes with having sex. I enjoy the pleasure it can bring when done right. I would never be able to wait till my wedding day to have sex with someone I truly care about. And in my opinion, you can't have sex with a stranger and have it feel like it does when you have sex with someone you truly care about and love. Yes, sex with a stranger can be fun and exciting, but when you're looking for connection first and foremost, it will not be nearly as satisfying. And that's just my opinion from a romantic stand point. If I factor in my spinal cord injury, having sex with a stranger and hooking up isn't an option. A guy isn't going to take the girl in the wheelchair home with him, even if she is physically attractive. There are just too many obstacles to consider, and obstacles are the last thing you want if you're looking for a one night stand. And if you're not going to take the time to figure out how to work around those obstacles, neither of you are going to enjoy yourselves. While I can't speak for everyone, and there will be plenty of women in wheelchairs and with SCI's who are willing to and can successfully navigate the world of hooking up, I am just not one of them. And even if I was, physical touch alone is not going to satisfy me.
Having an orgasm as a woman with a spinal cord injury is not impossible, but it isn't going to happen like most women and will be a lot harder to achieve. Given the limited sensation below my hips, you won't be doing me any good by focusing your attention there, and you'll eventually end up sore. I'll have penetrative sex because it pleases you, but your dick is the last thing on my mind when our clothes come off. If you want to make me happy and have the chance to help me achieve the ever so elusive orgasm, you need to keep your attention up north. And while you might think having limited sensation in my lower body makes for a lot less fun, you're definitely wrong. That lack of sensation makes my upper body all the more sensitive to touch. Start kissing my neck or run your fingers lightly down my back or arm, and it won't be long before I melt into a puddle. While that touch might start something, it certainly won't keep it going very long. Without an emotional connection, I'll either be too anxious or get bored very quickly. Neither are conducive to great sex. And this is the main reason why hookup culture will never be something that interests me. I'm grateful that women are not being slut shamed nearly as often in today's society, and we are free to have as much sex as we choose outside the confines of marriage, but at the same time, that freedom gives me, a woman with an SCI even less options, because relationships aren't pursued as often these days.
And because being in a wheelchair will automatically put me in the friend zone or worse, send a guy running for the hills the minute he does feel some resemblance of attraction to me, I already have very few options when it comes to dating. I've tried all of the popular (and less popular) dating sites. And I am not the first woman, SCI or not, to say that they all suck. And when you do have an SCI navigating sites like Tinder or Bumble are all the more complicated. Instead of focusing on meeting the one or two decent men who join those sites, you're freaking out about whether or not you should include the one photo you have of yourself from four-plus Christmas's ago that also puts your wheelchair front and center, and if you don't post said photo, how to bring it up in the conversation with a guy. You don't want to be talking to him for quite some time and then he asks to FaceTime and suddenly you're freaking out because you never said something, and now you kinda have to, but you're worried he won't be interested in you anymore and now that you really like him, that rejection is going to kill you. But you also don't want to tell him before he even gets to know you, and for sure rejects you. As much as it hurts to be rejected when he knows a little bit about you and seems to be genuinely interested, it hurts just as much if not more to be rejected simply because of the one thing you have zero control of. It's that type of rejection that leads to poor self-esteem and insecurities. Body positivity and confidence is one of many struggles of those with an SCI, especially women.
I know I'm beautiful. And most days I don't need anyone to tell me that to make me believe it. But then I'll catch a glimpse of my entire body in a mirror or in a photo, and all I'll see is a girl in a wheelchair who has severe scoliosis. Every aspect that I love about myself: my long, curly hair; my boobs; my long, pretty eyelashes and gorgeous hazel eyes; my long legs; all get lost in the fact I hate how I look sitting in the hunk of metal that gives me the opportunity to do all the things the lack of being able to walk would keep me from. While my wheelchair gives me physical freedom, it also takes away my emotional freedom. I am too anxious and insecure to think that someone, especially a man, would have any interest in being around me let alone have a desire to date me and think I am something special to be cherished. And despite the progressiveness of millennials, it is still ingrained in our brains that those with disabilities are different than the rest of the human population; that they're less than. In my nearly twenty years as a wheelchair user, I have only met one person who has acknowledged my wheelchair and spinal cord injury and never once looked at me with an ounce of pity. He treated me like an equal. He asked me if it was okay that he held the door for me (though that did get annoying after a while because he would ask every time we came to a closed door). He asked me questions about spinal cord injuries and was fascinated when I told him that no matter how many times he poked me in the leg, I was never going to be able to feel it. He then proceeded to poke me in the leg repeatedly, and we laughed for quite some time.
People don't ask questions because they were taught not to, and feel as if they will offend a person by asking. That is rarely true. Unless a person is recently disabled, most will be glad to answer any questions. Don't ask a stupid question such as "Can you have sex?" (the answer is yes, and pretty fucking great sex, too, but I won't be having it with you because you were stupid enough to ask me such a question that you had no business asking a woman you just met). But asking questions like "Can I get the door for you?" or "What type of injury do you have?" are welcome and for those like me who rarely get asked these questions, it can even be a breath of fresh air. Yes, there are questions even seasoned SCI individuals will be uncomfortable answering (for me it's questions relating to how I use the bathroom that make me go mute, and usually involve responses with a little white lie). Leave them be for now, and when you start really getting to know the person, try asking again. We all have our secrets that we eventually learn to tell those we trust. The same goes for someone who with an SCI and struggles to answer one question you ask. Just be patient. We'll tell you eventually.
So this post ended up being WAY longer than I had intended and also ended up being more about SCI and my dating life, or rather my lack thereof any actual dating/love life, and why being single hurts me so much instead of about the man who I have strong feelings for and may even love, despite our unconventional friendship and the state line that separates us. But seeing as how I am feeling better than I had been before I started writing, this is clearly the piece I needed to write. The one about my guy friend will come another day. I know I should probably wait to post this till tomorrow when I can edit without the influence of the late hour and the whiskey coursing through my bloodstream, but no amount of editing can make this post any more honest than it is. And right now being honest with the world about a set of feelings I have, but can only fully express to a very select few people (including the guy I so badly want to be with), most of whom just don't get it, no matter how hard they try.
If you've you made through this long-ass blog post, kudos. Secondly, I ask that the next time you try to comfort a friend who has never once been on a date, had a relationship, and just can't seem to find anyone to go on a date with them and are seriously considering taking the first person who shows even the slightest bit of interest in them despite how dangerous that could prove to be, don't tell them "I know plenty of people who wouldn't care about the wheelchair" or "If he doesn't like you because you have an SCI then he's an ass and you deserve better". First off, unless the people you know have dated someone in a wheelchair before, then there's no guarantee they'd actually be okay with it. Secondly, we know we deserve better, but that thought isn't going to make us feel any better about our lack of dating options. And also, for the love of God, spare our feelings and do not tell us about every guy who hits on you. If you have a genuine interest in the man who did, we'll gladly listen to you gush. And if he tries to cross a line or actually does cross a line, we'll be there to help you cope. But if a cute photographer working an event you're performing at, but isn't your type, hits on you the entire time, we don't want to hear about it. Chances are, we've never once been hit on by a cute guy, and that on the off chance we've ended up catcalled, it'll feel like an ego boost instead of the creepy come on it really is. Do us a favor and don't make a situation worse by telling us you got hit on by three guys in one day or have dates with two guys in one week. We're happy that so many people think you're as amazing as we do, but eventually we're gonna get jealous and maybe even resentful at the fact you have a massive ocean full of interesting fish to choose from while we're busy trying (and failing) to find the one decent fish in a small, highly polluted pond that no one ever spends any time at.
So I'm almost 23 years old and I've never been with a guy long enough to have an ex. As a hopeless romantic who has wanted nothing more than to be engaged to be married at this point in her life since before she can even remember, you can imagine how awful that makes me feel. Despite the guy who I gave my virginity to being a complete ass, I'm also grateful I'm not a virgin. Partly because I find it to be a little pathetic that I, being almost 23 and not someone saving herself for marriage, would find being a virgin at this point in time being pretty pathetic. But the main reason I'm grateful to not be a virgin, is that I now know what I want and I know how to get it. I always thought I'd be smart when having sex for the first time and that I'd know what to do and say. After all, I'd been doing research on the subject for years. But boy was I wrong. I totally had no clue what the hell I was doing, and I sure as hell had no idea how to communicate with him about it. I ended up having unprotected sex with a guy I had very little interest in simply because I just couldn't communicate with the first person to show any romantic and physical interest in me. And when you add a spinal cord injury (SCI) into the mix, there's a bit more complicatedness to get past. And when you have no idea how to get past that complicatedness and you're having sex with a guy who doesn't really care (all he wants is to get laid and you just so happen to have big boobs and by some miracle are a decent kisser), you just kinda go with it and hope that things work out. Thank God my idiocy didn't lead to any trouble, but still taught me a lesson in communication. And as I'd said, gave me the opportunity to figure out just what I wanted and needed when a relationship heads to the bedroom. So, yes, I might joke that the only good thing that came of that "relationship" was the guy's super comfy UFC (and now my favorite) tee, but truly he showed me a part of myself I needed to see.
So, I might be 23 years old and still a relationship virgin, I know that just because talking about sex makes me uncomfortable at times, it is a necessity. I also know that I will never be able to experience an orgasm like most women, but it doesn't mean I can't still enjoy myself and the man I am with. I just have to communicate my needs and desires and he needs to do the same. I know that any man who is not willing to take the time to find out what will satisfy my sexual appetite (which is no different than a women without an SCI) is not someone who I should be giving myself over to in the first place. I know that I am not as breakable as some may assume, and that if a guy wants to be on top of me or wants to hold me tighter, he can without fear of hurting me. And in some instances I might even welcome the firmer touch. I may look sweet and innocent, but I'm no prude. And given that I've been single for way longer than I care to be, have never been on a date or had a real relationship AND I'm writing romance novel loosely based on real events and emotions I've experienced, I'm sure you can imagine the height my libido can reach some days.
But just because I like sex, doesn't mean I'm going to be having it with a random guy I met at bar. Not taking into account my SCI, I'm just not interested in the casual sex and hookup craze that dominates my generation. I may be a millennial, but my beliefs and ideas fit more in line with those of the 50's, especially when it comes to relationships. I'd gladly give up a promising career to raise a family while my husband goes off to work. I want to be a mom someday, and I want to love a man and be loved by a man. I want to be cherished. I am not afraid to admit this, and I will not settle for anything less. And I am not into hookup culture. I am not saving myself for marriage. I enjoy the sensual touch of another human being. I enjoy the vulnerability that comes with having sex. I enjoy the pleasure it can bring when done right. I would never be able to wait till my wedding day to have sex with someone I truly care about. And in my opinion, you can't have sex with a stranger and have it feel like it does when you have sex with someone you truly care about and love. Yes, sex with a stranger can be fun and exciting, but when you're looking for connection first and foremost, it will not be nearly as satisfying. And that's just my opinion from a romantic stand point. If I factor in my spinal cord injury, having sex with a stranger and hooking up isn't an option. A guy isn't going to take the girl in the wheelchair home with him, even if she is physically attractive. There are just too many obstacles to consider, and obstacles are the last thing you want if you're looking for a one night stand. And if you're not going to take the time to figure out how to work around those obstacles, neither of you are going to enjoy yourselves. While I can't speak for everyone, and there will be plenty of women in wheelchairs and with SCI's who are willing to and can successfully navigate the world of hooking up, I am just not one of them. And even if I was, physical touch alone is not going to satisfy me.
Having an orgasm as a woman with a spinal cord injury is not impossible, but it isn't going to happen like most women and will be a lot harder to achieve. Given the limited sensation below my hips, you won't be doing me any good by focusing your attention there, and you'll eventually end up sore. I'll have penetrative sex because it pleases you, but your dick is the last thing on my mind when our clothes come off. If you want to make me happy and have the chance to help me achieve the ever so elusive orgasm, you need to keep your attention up north. And while you might think having limited sensation in my lower body makes for a lot less fun, you're definitely wrong. That lack of sensation makes my upper body all the more sensitive to touch. Start kissing my neck or run your fingers lightly down my back or arm, and it won't be long before I melt into a puddle. While that touch might start something, it certainly won't keep it going very long. Without an emotional connection, I'll either be too anxious or get bored very quickly. Neither are conducive to great sex. And this is the main reason why hookup culture will never be something that interests me. I'm grateful that women are not being slut shamed nearly as often in today's society, and we are free to have as much sex as we choose outside the confines of marriage, but at the same time, that freedom gives me, a woman with an SCI even less options, because relationships aren't pursued as often these days.
And because being in a wheelchair will automatically put me in the friend zone or worse, send a guy running for the hills the minute he does feel some resemblance of attraction to me, I already have very few options when it comes to dating. I've tried all of the popular (and less popular) dating sites. And I am not the first woman, SCI or not, to say that they all suck. And when you do have an SCI navigating sites like Tinder or Bumble are all the more complicated. Instead of focusing on meeting the one or two decent men who join those sites, you're freaking out about whether or not you should include the one photo you have of yourself from four-plus Christmas's ago that also puts your wheelchair front and center, and if you don't post said photo, how to bring it up in the conversation with a guy. You don't want to be talking to him for quite some time and then he asks to FaceTime and suddenly you're freaking out because you never said something, and now you kinda have to, but you're worried he won't be interested in you anymore and now that you really like him, that rejection is going to kill you. But you also don't want to tell him before he even gets to know you, and for sure rejects you. As much as it hurts to be rejected when he knows a little bit about you and seems to be genuinely interested, it hurts just as much if not more to be rejected simply because of the one thing you have zero control of. It's that type of rejection that leads to poor self-esteem and insecurities. Body positivity and confidence is one of many struggles of those with an SCI, especially women.
I know I'm beautiful. And most days I don't need anyone to tell me that to make me believe it. But then I'll catch a glimpse of my entire body in a mirror or in a photo, and all I'll see is a girl in a wheelchair who has severe scoliosis. Every aspect that I love about myself: my long, curly hair; my boobs; my long, pretty eyelashes and gorgeous hazel eyes; my long legs; all get lost in the fact I hate how I look sitting in the hunk of metal that gives me the opportunity to do all the things the lack of being able to walk would keep me from. While my wheelchair gives me physical freedom, it also takes away my emotional freedom. I am too anxious and insecure to think that someone, especially a man, would have any interest in being around me let alone have a desire to date me and think I am something special to be cherished. And despite the progressiveness of millennials, it is still ingrained in our brains that those with disabilities are different than the rest of the human population; that they're less than. In my nearly twenty years as a wheelchair user, I have only met one person who has acknowledged my wheelchair and spinal cord injury and never once looked at me with an ounce of pity. He treated me like an equal. He asked me if it was okay that he held the door for me (though that did get annoying after a while because he would ask every time we came to a closed door). He asked me questions about spinal cord injuries and was fascinated when I told him that no matter how many times he poked me in the leg, I was never going to be able to feel it. He then proceeded to poke me in the leg repeatedly, and we laughed for quite some time.
People don't ask questions because they were taught not to, and feel as if they will offend a person by asking. That is rarely true. Unless a person is recently disabled, most will be glad to answer any questions. Don't ask a stupid question such as "Can you have sex?" (the answer is yes, and pretty fucking great sex, too, but I won't be having it with you because you were stupid enough to ask me such a question that you had no business asking a woman you just met). But asking questions like "Can I get the door for you?" or "What type of injury do you have?" are welcome and for those like me who rarely get asked these questions, it can even be a breath of fresh air. Yes, there are questions even seasoned SCI individuals will be uncomfortable answering (for me it's questions relating to how I use the bathroom that make me go mute, and usually involve responses with a little white lie). Leave them be for now, and when you start really getting to know the person, try asking again. We all have our secrets that we eventually learn to tell those we trust. The same goes for someone who with an SCI and struggles to answer one question you ask. Just be patient. We'll tell you eventually.
So this post ended up being WAY longer than I had intended and also ended up being more about SCI and my dating life, or rather my lack thereof any actual dating/love life, and why being single hurts me so much instead of about the man who I have strong feelings for and may even love, despite our unconventional friendship and the state line that separates us. But seeing as how I am feeling better than I had been before I started writing, this is clearly the piece I needed to write. The one about my guy friend will come another day. I know I should probably wait to post this till tomorrow when I can edit without the influence of the late hour and the whiskey coursing through my bloodstream, but no amount of editing can make this post any more honest than it is. And right now being honest with the world about a set of feelings I have, but can only fully express to a very select few people (including the guy I so badly want to be with), most of whom just don't get it, no matter how hard they try.
If you've you made through this long-ass blog post, kudos. Secondly, I ask that the next time you try to comfort a friend who has never once been on a date, had a relationship, and just can't seem to find anyone to go on a date with them and are seriously considering taking the first person who shows even the slightest bit of interest in them despite how dangerous that could prove to be, don't tell them "I know plenty of people who wouldn't care about the wheelchair" or "If he doesn't like you because you have an SCI then he's an ass and you deserve better". First off, unless the people you know have dated someone in a wheelchair before, then there's no guarantee they'd actually be okay with it. Secondly, we know we deserve better, but that thought isn't going to make us feel any better about our lack of dating options. And also, for the love of God, spare our feelings and do not tell us about every guy who hits on you. If you have a genuine interest in the man who did, we'll gladly listen to you gush. And if he tries to cross a line or actually does cross a line, we'll be there to help you cope. But if a cute photographer working an event you're performing at, but isn't your type, hits on you the entire time, we don't want to hear about it. Chances are, we've never once been hit on by a cute guy, and that on the off chance we've ended up catcalled, it'll feel like an ego boost instead of the creepy come on it really is. Do us a favor and don't make a situation worse by telling us you got hit on by three guys in one day or have dates with two guys in one week. We're happy that so many people think you're as amazing as we do, but eventually we're gonna get jealous and maybe even resentful at the fact you have a massive ocean full of interesting fish to choose from while we're busy trying (and failing) to find the one decent fish in a small, highly polluted pond that no one ever spends any time at.
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