Look at Me

I want to be looked at. And no, I don't mean I want someone to stare at me nor do I wish to be leered at by creepy guys who haven't yet learned that 95% of women don't enjoy being treated like a sexual object. What I want is eye contact. Silent eye contact that could last for hours without creating an awkward separation between me and the other person. I want a connection so deep, it leaves you feeling a little dazed and weak and breathless. I want someone to look at me and see how my face lights up whenever my nieces are around. I want someone to look at me and see the most beautiful thing he's ever laid his eyes on. I  want someone to look at me, acknowledging my chair and seeing it as a sign of character and strength, not incompetence and something to pity. 

I want someone who will take me out somewhere and ask if I want to get out of my chair because he knows that my ass isn't glued to the thing and I am perfectly capable of sitting on something else if I so choose. I want someone who will plan something he knows full well I'll claim I can't do, because he wants me to push myself to be my very best, but also knows to reassure me he'll be right there to help, if I truly need it. I want someone to cuddle on the couch with when it's cold or rainy. I want to spend my nights with my head on his chest, and fall asleep to the sound of his steady heart beat. I want to wake up each morning to find his arms are still wrapped around me. I want someone who isn't afraid to push the boundaries when things heat up between us, because I'm not as fragile as I look. 

I want someone who sees the crazy, but loves me in spite of it. I want someone to look into my stormy, tear-filled eyes and knows the best thing to do is to hold me close and not walk away, even if my mouth is telling him to leave and never come back. I want someone who will shut me up with a kiss when my anxiety forces me to ramble on about nonsense. I want someone who makes me feel safe and secure in a world that makes me feel everything but that. 

I want someone who will gaze into my eyes and tell me I mean more to him than anything in this world. I want someone who will look at me in a crowded room and have to fight to keep his hands off of me until we can be alone. I want someone to see in me everything I've never been able to see inside myself. 

But what I really want is someone to love me, unconditionally for all of eternity. When you're invisible to the entire world, the need to be loved entirely and truly for who you are becomes all the more consuming until finally you feel like you're drowning and suffocating and you spend an entire night awake doing everything in your power to relieve that stress, but ultimately end up failing because the only thing that would truly relieve it is out of your control. So instead, you get up at 6:40 am, get ready for your day and hope to God you can get through it without breaking down.