Daydreams and Fantasies

It started in March. I don't remember the exact day or what exactly it was that made me realize all of a sudden that this guy was actually super sweet, but that's not really important. What was important was that I had a crush on a guy I was working with, and the last time that happened, well let's just say it ended pretty badly for me. But that wasn't the worst part. No, the worst part was the fact the guy I liked was in a serious, committed relationship for almost six months. What the hell was my world coming to? So for the next month and half I spent six days of the week trying really hard not to let it slip that I was hardcore into this guy. Well, that didn't go well. Every day it seemed I would find out something about him that would melt my heart. Or he'd be performing a number so filled with love and compassion that I couldn't help drifting off to fantasy land and wishing I was the one he was looking at with love and devotion in his eyes. And when my life took a turn for the worst, I really couldn't get him out of my head. I'd spend the entire day thinking about him and what it would feel like to be wrapped up in his warm embrace. Things were getting out of hand. You can't date this guy, I told myself over and over. He has a girlfriend. You have to get over him.

When my original plans of just hoping these feelings went away failed, I went and re-opened one of my online dating accounts. I didn't want to, but if it got Jack off my mind, I'd do just about anything. So, I talked to a few cute guys. Almost managed to get myself a date with one of them, but it didn't work. I still had a MASSIVE crush on Jack. God damn it! So I said goodbye to online dating once again and prayed that I wouldn't make a fool of myself. Easier said than done. I began playing favorites, and looked for any excuse to talk to the guy during rehearsals. And every time he was unsure of how well a rehearsal went, I was the first person there to remind him he did great. The worst of it came during performance week. Two instances come to mind. The first, me doing something I never expected myself to do: break the touch barrier. 

Anyone who knows me, knows I am by far the most awkward person in social situations. And when social situations involve the guy I secretly have a massive crush on, that awkward factor increases ten-fold. So you can imagine my surprise that one night after a performance (it may have also been a dress rehearsal), I walked up to him, and while saying he did a great job, reached out and lightly touched his arm. And even more surprising, my hand lingered there for a second or two longer than it should have, making my feelings incredibly apparent. To this day I don't know if he noticed, but I'd be surprised if he didn't. It was just so obvious.  Then, a few days later, he won that night's performance. There was nothing special going on; nothing different about the end of the performance, but after the announcement that he won, and the cast was getting ready to leave the stage, he walked over to me. I was sitting center in the front row keeping time so no one would speak over a few minutes. When he reached for my hand, I thought he might have just been going for a high five or something of the sort. But no, that's not what happened. Jack did the best and worst thing he could have possibly done that night: when he took my hand, he kissed it. Like an actual kiss. I was happy for about thirty seconds, but then the realization that it didn't mean anything sunk in, and I was sad. God, did I so badly want to grab the boy by his collar and kiss him. 

Thus began the days of fantasizing what it would be like to get tangled up with him. Daydreaming about lazy Sunday's and falling asleep in his arms. Lonely nights desperately wishing he was single. The rest of the run became sheer torture, but at the same time he was exuberant, making it impossible to be miserable in his presence. I was battling two very different extremes, and was incredibly grateful when the run finally ended. I could deal with running into him in the halls or watch him walk past the desk while I was working, even though that was torturous, too. The semester ended, and things seemed to settle when I was no longer seeing him every day.

Fast forward to October, on one of the worst days possible, Jack happens to show up to the matinee of our black box production. As he went to take a seat, he stopped to give me a hug and said "How are you beautiful?" Completely caught off guard by both the hug and the adjective used in his question, I muttered the only response I could manage. "Good. How are you?" Suddenly, all of those feelings I had for him in the spring came flying back, and after the show, I did what every girl with a crush on a guy does: I stalked his Facebook profile. And what did I find? He was single. When he and his girlfriend broke up, I have no idea, but I could make a pretty good guess. The one thing I've wanted so badly finally happened, but I didn't know what to do. I had his number, but what reason did I have to text or call him? I didn't. So I just let it go. 

About a month later, amidst a third near-breakdown that day, and in need of someone to talk to, I decided to text Jack. If he was still up at one in the morning, I knew he'd let me vent. Turns out, he had been up. I'd caught him at the perfect time, actually. So we spent two hours talking about my crazy family, and I learned more about him than I had in the month and a half I spent working on a show with him. I found out underneath his childlike and friendly personality, was a guy who once struggled to surround himself with people he could talk to and even now still occasionally feels alone in the world. I was surprised. He's just not the type of guy you'd expect to be and feel alone and insecure. As someone who puts on an act for the rest of the world, I know appearances aren't always what they seem. That cliche couldn't have been any more true that night. 

I don't know where things are going to go from here. Jack might be single now, but I still don't think I have much of a chance with him. My odds of him feeling the same way about me are slim. I'd like to believe that isn't true, but my past experiences don't afford me that luxury. Every guy I ever liked just thought of me as a friend; I expect Jack will too. I hope one day I stop automatically expecting such an outcome, but until that day comes I have my romance novels, country love songs, and daydreams and fantasies to keep me company.