Thank You, I Love You

As I sit in bed listening to a Spotify playlist I begin to wonder why I’m feeling so crappy. I had spent the last four plus hours typing up a portion of a chapter of my romance novel and I was feeling great. I was getting lost in the words flowing onto the page. I was experiencing what Lavendar was experiencing. She was happy, so I was happy. That’s how this works, usually. After all, Lavendar is me. At least the me I would be if I wasn’t so damn anxious and depressed and insecure all of the time. Lavendar has become an extension of myself, but unlike her my broken heart has yet to be healed completely. It’s gotten close, but there still seem to be pieces missing. For every one thing that goes right, it seems there are three things that go wrong.

And right now, three things have gone wrong. Unforeseen circumstances have me stuck at home longer than I planned. I’m missing rehearsals, missing work, but the biggest and most troubling thing I’m missing: commencement. It’s not yours so what’s the big deal? I’m sure I’d get that question from anyone if I admitted that not going might actually kill me. The big deal, you ask? Most of my friends are graduating. And for those of you who know me, know that I keep a very small, close-knit group of friends. I don’t get close to people easily, and I sure as hell don’t make friends easily. The fact these two very amazing people are graduating and I can’t be there to support them, breaks my heart.

I don’t tell them often enough how much I love them, even though I know I should. And maybe I don’t because it means I won’t get hurt when they ultimately leave, even if they’re leaving isn’t permanent. So as I sit here in bed listening to a Spotify playlist while the tears pour down, I dedicate this post to the two people in my life I owe a shit ton of things to.

Becca, you were the first person I met when I got to Wagner three years ago. If someone had told me on that day we’d become great friends, I wouldn’t have believed them. Not because you weren’t cool and totally worthy of my friendship, but because I don’t make friends easily. I thought orientation would come and go and we’d just end up going separate ways. That’s usually how things work out for me. But that wasn’t the case with you. Freshman year sucked big time, but somehow I made it through, and I’m pretty sure you were partly responsible. I’ve blocked out most of that first semester (for good reason), and then you were in England that second semester, so I don’t remember exactly when I lost it on you for the first time, but those details don’t matter. What matters is how you handled it. You made me feel like my crazy emotions were valid, no matter how silly or dumb they may have seemed. I will always appreciate that. Oh hell, I had been going somewhere with all of this, but my brain just seems to be a jumbled mess of emotions once again. I think I’m going to end things here for the sake of getting through it in as much of one piece as possible. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me over these last few years. It takes a lot to deal with the crap I bring with me, but you never seemed to care. I love you. I am going to miss you more than you will ever know next year. Foundy won’t be the same without you. Congratulations on your BA in Musical Theatre, and I wish you the best of luck on your Master’s in the fall. I hope Wales is everything you expect and more. You deserve it.

Nick. Where do I even begin? I met you two years ago while working on Dance Project. Secretly I hoped we’d become friends. You seemed really cool and had something about you that I loved and wanted to get to know more. Bonding over Cabaret was an unexpected wonder, and I am so glad that we got to go see it together (even if getting to and from the theatre had been a bit of an adventure). And then came that day where I either had to admit to you that I had more than just platonic feelings for you or risk losing my damn mind. I was terrified I’d lose you as a friend over that, but you handled it perfectly and eventually I moved on. You listened to me vent and rant about my stupid family drama, helped me remember that there are people in my life that care about me no matter how alone I feel. And no matter how crappy of a day I’m having, you always seem to make me smile and laugh. For that I will always be grateful. I don’t like the term “best friend” because it implies favoritism for one person, and I love all of my friends equally. But if I were to ever use the term, it would be given to you. You might not know the extent of your impact on my life and I don’t think I can even tell you how much you mean to me. I am going to miss you terribly. And I will spend a lot of time sobbing over that in the next week or two, that’s for sure. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I love you.

Now, to the rest of you seniors. There are so many of you that are wonderful people I’m going to miss a whole hell of a lot. I wish I could thank all of you individually, but there are just way too many of you. I'm bound to accidentally leave someone out, and that wouldn't be fair. I thank those of you who ever offered me a smile, a hug, friendship, a lunch or dinner companion, and the endless list of other things you did for me. And a special thank you to all of the theatre seniors. Some of you I met and got to know my freshman year, and others I met just this year. No matter how much time we’ve spent together, I appreciate you all for being so damn talented and awesome and letting me join you on the crazy journey that is Wagner College Theatre. I love you all and I wish you the best of luck on whatever journey you embark on next. You guys deserve it!

So that concludes my incredibly sappy post dedicated to those who've done so much for me. If there's someone who means as much to you as these people mean to me, remember to tell them. Tell them how much you appreciate and love them. It can't be said too many times. 

Congratulations on graduating! You made it! I love you all!

Always and forever,

Jazmine