Cloud 9

Andy. That is his name. The guy I met on one of those dating apps I swore I'd never download because I was convinced no decent guy downloaded those things. It was just a place full of creeps and players hoping to find a cute girl to sleep with and dump the next day. Well, I downloaded the app. My friend said it was a great confidence boost when a cute guy matched you. And after one bad run in after another with guys, I was in serious need of a confidence boost. Maybe if a few cute guys matched me, it would give me enough reassurance I wasn't a total loser. 

So one day after returning home from an impromptu dinner invitation that led to an after party, I got in bed and proceeded to open the app as I fired up Netflix on my computer. I was swiping left a lot that night. And the few times I swiped right, most didn't lead to a match. And then his profile popped up on my screen.

Andy. A cute blonde a year older than me who loves to peform in musicals and cook. A bit of a gamer looking to hopefully one day meet the right girl. A bit of a hopeless romantic. If you're into anything nerdy hit me up.

Needless to say the dude had me at loves to perform in musicals and cook. The fact he was a hopeless romantic was just an added bonus. He seemed to be everything I wanted in a guy. So I swiped right, holding my breath as I hoped he'd done the same. The screen darkened and the familiar "it's a match" lit up. I smiled and went on my way to continue swiping. To my suprise less than five minutes later, he sent a message saying hi. I replied and the two of us talked for three and half hours! I couldn't believe it. 

Andy is great. We have a lot in common, but we also have many differences. He's super sweet and when I accidentally trapped myself into revealing my struggles with depression and anxiety, he didn't go running scared. Things were starting to look really good. Too good, actually. So I used his instragram to figure out his last name and locate his facebook profile and conduct an internet search. I haven't told him I did that. I've been lucky not to do something to blow this, and that could be what does it, so I'm keeping that knowledge to myself for now. I'll tell him eventually. 

The following days have been great. I really have never felt this way about someone. I can't stop thinking about him. And when he said if he looked in my eyes long enough he'd have to kiss me, I all but pretty much lost it. I couldn't breathe and my heart started beating like a jackhammer. And since then I keep getting flashes of different images. A hand on my cheek. His lips on mine. Pushing me down onto the bed mid-kiss as his hand slips under my shirt. 

What the hell am I doing? I ask myself over and over. I shouldn't be doing any of that. Fantasizing about sex with a guy I just met a few days ago. One I still have yet to go on a date with. That should not be happening. Yet it is. And quite frequently, I might add. I hate when he says he's headed to bed because it means I have to as well, and how the hell am I supposed to sleep when the conversation we just had has me wanting to go over there, put my lips to his, and then curse the morning sun because it would mean going back home. 

We had a pretty in-depth conversation about past relationships last night. Mine was short of course. After all, why go into detail about five guys who weren't worth my time. I did briefly mention Tom, though. So I asked about his ex. He'd told me they were together for awhile, so I was curious as to why it hadn't worked out. I got way more than I bargained for. I had hoped she was the reason things didn't work out, but even if she wasn't, no judgement from me. He's obviously over her enough to like me, but I know there's still something there. To my surprise, I don't care. I thought I'd be jealous, after all he'd intended to marry the girl, but I'm not. I guess it has a lot to do with Tom. He might have taken my heart and returned it to me in a thousand pieces, but a part of me will always love him. That's the thing about first loves. They stick with you forever. Tom wasn't the right guy for me and I've accepted that. I've moved on. It took time, and a lot of it, but I know that I'm better off. 

I don't know if Andy is the right guy. But he's definitely the right guy at this moment in time. I want to take things slow. I've spent this long wishing and praying to find someone like him; I'm not gonna let my fast track thoughts ruin what could possibly be something really great. I might just be spending a lot more time at the gym, which actually wouldn't be a bad thing. So, I'm just going to take one day at a time and see where this goes. If and when we get there, I know it will be truly one of the best evenings I've ever had.